A Grand Adventure
Mar. 19th, 2013 05:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mrlichThe Aimless Drifter. That's me.
"Who Matt? Well he's... he's a little bit... lost."
"It's just that you've got so much unrealised potential!"
I've heard this sort of stuff all my life. Thing is - the folks saying it are not wrong. It's always saddened me - frustrated me - more than I can put into words, but it's also the Truth.
I'm a forty year old man who has absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grow up. What's worse - when I try to focus on something and figure out if that's what I should go after, it's like trying to find details in the dark. The closer I look, the less I see clearly. That is, at least until I'm distracted by my desire to help someone else with something that they're doing or working on. Then whatever I was trying to see gets completely lost. Call it ADHD of the soul.
I've lived my life in a reactionary fashion. Never with anything resembling a plan. Just stimulus - response.
The Aimless Drifter.
While it may not be a wholly bad way to live, it's also not really a good way to live. In fact, one can begin to feel like their life is not really their own, but rather just a response to the musings of the Norns.
You need to make decisions, grasp opportunities, and maybe even plan things out once in a while to feel real ownership of your life. It gets you (for lack of a better term) invested in a way that simply responding does not.
It's time.
I fear that leaving my life on its current path won't change things much. It's too easy for me to simply keep on reacting to things and to the people in my life. I have too many good and interesting people in my life. (I know - good problems to have - right?) It's time to knock the train off its tracks. Blow up the bridge. Create a little chaos.
Change.
My last day at work will be this Friday. My lease on my apartment ends on the 31st. Mark has graciously allowed me to couch surf for a short while as I get some things together, and I get rid of damn near all my worldly possessions in preparation for what comes next:
I'm going to ride off into the sunset with nothing more than what I can fit in my saddlebags.
I'm headed west. I'm hitting the reset button and starting fresh. I'm going to make a decision and live with the consequences. I'm going to stop reacting to my life and start taking charge of it.
And it will all start with an Adventure.
"Who Matt? Well he's... he's a little bit... lost."
"It's just that you've got so much unrealised potential!"
I've heard this sort of stuff all my life. Thing is - the folks saying it are not wrong. It's always saddened me - frustrated me - more than I can put into words, but it's also the Truth.
I'm a forty year old man who has absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grow up. What's worse - when I try to focus on something and figure out if that's what I should go after, it's like trying to find details in the dark. The closer I look, the less I see clearly. That is, at least until I'm distracted by my desire to help someone else with something that they're doing or working on. Then whatever I was trying to see gets completely lost. Call it ADHD of the soul.
I've lived my life in a reactionary fashion. Never with anything resembling a plan. Just stimulus - response.
The Aimless Drifter.
While it may not be a wholly bad way to live, it's also not really a good way to live. In fact, one can begin to feel like their life is not really their own, but rather just a response to the musings of the Norns.
You need to make decisions, grasp opportunities, and maybe even plan things out once in a while to feel real ownership of your life. It gets you (for lack of a better term) invested in a way that simply responding does not.
It's time.
I fear that leaving my life on its current path won't change things much. It's too easy for me to simply keep on reacting to things and to the people in my life. I have too many good and interesting people in my life. (I know - good problems to have - right?) It's time to knock the train off its tracks. Blow up the bridge. Create a little chaos.
Change.
My last day at work will be this Friday. My lease on my apartment ends on the 31st. Mark has graciously allowed me to couch surf for a short while as I get some things together, and I get rid of damn near all my worldly possessions in preparation for what comes next:
I'm going to ride off into the sunset with nothing more than what I can fit in my saddlebags.
I'm headed west. I'm hitting the reset button and starting fresh. I'm going to make a decision and live with the consequences. I'm going to stop reacting to my life and start taking charge of it.
And it will all start with an Adventure.
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no subject
Date: 2013-03-19 10:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-20 02:18 am (UTC)Time to spread your wings and fly...no...SOAR!!
Date: 2013-03-20 02:30 am (UTC)Re: Time to spread your wings and fly...no...SOAR!!
Date: 2013-03-20 02:57 am (UTC)Well, ok. Maybe not LIVEblogging as it's a little tough to do from the back of the bike, but you get the idea.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-20 10:26 am (UTC)thing the first: stop before you hit Lebanon. Lebanon sucks.
Thing b: At some point while you're on the bike you're going to think "what the effing eff am I doing". Throw that over your shoulder.
Thing quatro: Luck is required. As easily as I got where I am after my adventure, I could have ended up eating out of a dumpster and giving handys for a living. I don't (except certain weekends) because I got lucky. Know your risk.
another thing: Dint get stuck romanticizing what you're doing. Ay its core you're making a change you need to make. When it gets tough you'll need to remind yourself "I'm doing X because of Y." write that reason down somewhere and look at it when you need to be reminded.
Swamp thing: know we miss you and love you and are rooting for you.
Miss Thang: Good luck! Have fun! Take pictures! Bring a towel!
good on ya, buddy. I'll miss your terrifying bigness, but will be happy if its somewhere enjoying itself.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-20 02:15 pm (UTC)THIS.
When a mutual friend of ours called off his engagement, he knew it was the right choice but also knew it was going to turn 1,000 lives upside down, including his. He wasn't sure if it was worth it, and there were times he'd second-guess himself. His therapist recommended he wait until he was having a "frutrated day" and then write down a list of reasons why marrying her was a bad idea, so he could refer to it whenever the second-guessing happened. He said this was super-super helpful.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-20 02:38 pm (UTC)I am excited because you will be in the drivers seat 100%. You decide where to go, where to stay, which route to take. You're traveling during a time where the world is waking up from a winters nap... coming alive again... a nice metaphor. :)
Where is "West?" Do you have a destination in mind? You've got people in Austin, Denver, Portland, Seattle, Phoenix, San Fran, San Diego, Burbank, and Oakland where you could couch surf or just get a hot meal and a shower. Ask for what you need; people want to help. Asking for help is not weakness, it's strong and confident... worked for Amanda Palmer. :)
Speaking of couch surfing, couchsurfing.org is free and AWESOME.
Also... it is taking every freakin' ounce of restraint I have not to offer to help plan your trip, help coordinate shipping out stuff you can't fit, help find a place to live, all that. But I also rec-o-nize that this is precisely what you're riding away from. :D
Just...please know if I can help, all you need to do is ask.
I am so, so, so proud of you.
I'm also worried sick (in a good way).
Knock 'em dead, babycakes.
no subject
Date: 2013-03-20 05:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-20 10:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-21 06:46 pm (UTC)And if misadventure should strike, rescue services are available within a 200-ish mile radius of Philadel. For you and the Kawi.
Good luck, best wishes and may the motorcyle genie that protects engines from breakdowns be with you
Date: 2013-03-22 04:25 pm (UTC)Good Decision.
Date: 2013-03-23 12:04 pm (UTC)(Take notes)
this is Shelle
Date: 2013-03-26 01:04 pm (UTC).
I am so proud of you. I am so happy for you. I will miss you so much.
I love you so much. I am behind you 1000% and our couch is always yours if you need a place to stay when you're back in town. Visiting.