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Okay. So I had off today because of bad weather. I went down to the HamFam to do some art because I had new free time. There's a large number of other things that I probably should have done first but I didn't. It's not uncommon.
While I was there, Mike asked if I would like to go with him to some other restaurants to collect money from his jukeboxes and other games as well as to drop off more toys for those game machines that needed them. I have done it before and enjoyed the time with Mike just one on one, so I said sure. Somehow though I always forget how long it takes. Several hours later, we got back to the diner at around 6:30. Not a terrible thing, but there went my day.
Then Josh stopped in and reminded me about the rehearsal dinner for my cousin's wedding. It's tomorrow night near NYC. I have to call off work tomorrow so that I can make it in time. It's also my last day of work with ABE Fence. My boss is going to be PISSED. Which, of course, means he will probably try to do the 'minimum wage thing' for my last paycheck. (Long story).
I don't know - I'm not really complaining or anything, but it just seems like my free day just went blah. I feel like I failed something or someone or both. I don't know how that's possible since I would have been at work until about when we got back anyway (and then gone to the diner for some dinner).
Maybe I am just panicking because I don't have either of my 2 potential jobs concreted in place yet, and I have no job and no money, but it doesn't feel like that. It feels more like depression. I think that it had to do with my talk with Mike.
I do kinda see him as being something like an 'extra dad'. It's a hard sensation to explain, and a lot of folks might think that ungrateful of me since I have a pretty damn kick ass pop to begin with, but that's not it. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that he's like the big brother that I never had. Never realized it before, but I think that I always kinda wanted that.
You see, all my life I have been the big brother. I have been the one who had to 'make a good example'. I had to be 'responsible'. Which is why, I think, I run the other direction. Who knows. More importantly, who cares?
The point I am getting at here is that I think that I am depressed. We talked about kids and marriage and all the things that I don't want. G-d love the man, he doesn't understand the very possibility that someone could not _want_ those things. The very concept is alien to him. I think that it's part of what's so endearing about him - he is the template for the family man (not unlike my own father in that sense). He asked why I don't want marriage or kids. I gave him answers. I think that I might have explained myself just as well if I had delved into advance calculus (which I don't even BEGIN to understand myself, btw).
The one thing that I think that I made clear though was this: when I explained why I don't want to have kids of my own, I explained that I was terrified by the very thought. The very idea that I would be responsible for someone else's life scares me to the point where my nerves stand on end and there's a lump in my throat. That's just when I _think_ about the idea. No way. Can't do it. Not within the realm of possible.
Now, my dear reader (you're a saint if you've stuck with me this long) - please understand: I am not looking for encouragement here. I don't really care to hear "Oh, but Patch - you would make such a GREAT father- I've seen you with kids!"
With all due respect: Bullshit. You've seen me with someone ELSE'S kids. HUGELY monstrously large difference. I get to hand them back at the end of the day.
He talked about his youngest daughter - Vicki. It's hard for me to imagine me loving this little girl much more if she was my own child. He talked about the feeling he has when he comes home at the end of the day - irritated and frustrated by business issues or employee problems. He talked about how that disappears immediately when that darling child runs up to him - arms spread - and hugs him and says "I love you Daddy."
You see my dilemma here - no? Don't want kids. Don't want responsibility. Don't want to be tied down. I want to be 21 forever. Ah but the face of one little girl.
There are tears welling up in my eyes right now as I type these words.
I hate myself for my own duality.
I am black and I am white.
In _all_ things.
First, I look one way, I see one thing. Then, as if forced by some unseen hand to look the other way. I see the other end of the spectrum and I see that it is equal and just as important in my own life. I know good and smart and wise people - some like Mike and some like my brethren who would consider this a blessing. They would see this as a means of making balanced and educated decisions.
I don't.
I find myself lost in the middle. I get mired in the muck of indecision. I'm the proverbial deer in the headlights. I can see my buddy Mark's look of frustration and here him saying: "Okay, you have your information. You're a smart man. Think things through and make a decision. It really is that simple."
That's the worst of it. I know he's right. At times it's like watching a bad horror film. You see the teenage couple head into the woods. You hear the dramatic music. As they start to undress and do some heavy petting, you're already screaming in your head: "Are you really _that_ stupid? They just told you about that horrific accident/mutation/etc and how there's supposed to be an evil killer running loose in the woods and you KNOW that this is part number 17 and you're STILL going to get naked in the woods?!?!"
Duh.
That's how I feel about so many things that I do - after the fact. The teens are already in the woods. So I get frustrated with myself. So I decide to focus better on what I _should do_ instead of what I _want to do_. But before long (and certainly before I get ahead) I find those damn kids back in the woods.
Okay. This is really feeling like simple whining now, so I think that I am going to quit now. Need to work on being more constructive, or a simple 'bitch session' is all that I will have accomplished today.
Wish I knew how to do the whole LJ cut function so people wouldn't have to see this whole thing.
Sorry - but hey - it's my god-damn journal.
:P
While I was there, Mike asked if I would like to go with him to some other restaurants to collect money from his jukeboxes and other games as well as to drop off more toys for those game machines that needed them. I have done it before and enjoyed the time with Mike just one on one, so I said sure. Somehow though I always forget how long it takes. Several hours later, we got back to the diner at around 6:30. Not a terrible thing, but there went my day.
Then Josh stopped in and reminded me about the rehearsal dinner for my cousin's wedding. It's tomorrow night near NYC. I have to call off work tomorrow so that I can make it in time. It's also my last day of work with ABE Fence. My boss is going to be PISSED. Which, of course, means he will probably try to do the 'minimum wage thing' for my last paycheck. (Long story).
I don't know - I'm not really complaining or anything, but it just seems like my free day just went blah. I feel like I failed something or someone or both. I don't know how that's possible since I would have been at work until about when we got back anyway (and then gone to the diner for some dinner).
Maybe I am just panicking because I don't have either of my 2 potential jobs concreted in place yet, and I have no job and no money, but it doesn't feel like that. It feels more like depression. I think that it had to do with my talk with Mike.
I do kinda see him as being something like an 'extra dad'. It's a hard sensation to explain, and a lot of folks might think that ungrateful of me since I have a pretty damn kick ass pop to begin with, but that's not it. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that he's like the big brother that I never had. Never realized it before, but I think that I always kinda wanted that.
You see, all my life I have been the big brother. I have been the one who had to 'make a good example'. I had to be 'responsible'. Which is why, I think, I run the other direction. Who knows. More importantly, who cares?
The point I am getting at here is that I think that I am depressed. We talked about kids and marriage and all the things that I don't want. G-d love the man, he doesn't understand the very possibility that someone could not _want_ those things. The very concept is alien to him. I think that it's part of what's so endearing about him - he is the template for the family man (not unlike my own father in that sense). He asked why I don't want marriage or kids. I gave him answers. I think that I might have explained myself just as well if I had delved into advance calculus (which I don't even BEGIN to understand myself, btw).
The one thing that I think that I made clear though was this: when I explained why I don't want to have kids of my own, I explained that I was terrified by the very thought. The very idea that I would be responsible for someone else's life scares me to the point where my nerves stand on end and there's a lump in my throat. That's just when I _think_ about the idea. No way. Can't do it. Not within the realm of possible.
Now, my dear reader (you're a saint if you've stuck with me this long) - please understand: I am not looking for encouragement here. I don't really care to hear "Oh, but Patch - you would make such a GREAT father- I've seen you with kids!"
With all due respect: Bullshit. You've seen me with someone ELSE'S kids. HUGELY monstrously large difference. I get to hand them back at the end of the day.
He talked about his youngest daughter - Vicki. It's hard for me to imagine me loving this little girl much more if she was my own child. He talked about the feeling he has when he comes home at the end of the day - irritated and frustrated by business issues or employee problems. He talked about how that disappears immediately when that darling child runs up to him - arms spread - and hugs him and says "I love you Daddy."
You see my dilemma here - no? Don't want kids. Don't want responsibility. Don't want to be tied down. I want to be 21 forever. Ah but the face of one little girl.
There are tears welling up in my eyes right now as I type these words.
I hate myself for my own duality.
I am black and I am white.
In _all_ things.
First, I look one way, I see one thing. Then, as if forced by some unseen hand to look the other way. I see the other end of the spectrum and I see that it is equal and just as important in my own life. I know good and smart and wise people - some like Mike and some like my brethren who would consider this a blessing. They would see this as a means of making balanced and educated decisions.
I don't.
I find myself lost in the middle. I get mired in the muck of indecision. I'm the proverbial deer in the headlights. I can see my buddy Mark's look of frustration and here him saying: "Okay, you have your information. You're a smart man. Think things through and make a decision. It really is that simple."
That's the worst of it. I know he's right. At times it's like watching a bad horror film. You see the teenage couple head into the woods. You hear the dramatic music. As they start to undress and do some heavy petting, you're already screaming in your head: "Are you really _that_ stupid? They just told you about that horrific accident/mutation/etc and how there's supposed to be an evil killer running loose in the woods and you KNOW that this is part number 17 and you're STILL going to get naked in the woods?!?!"
Duh.
That's how I feel about so many things that I do - after the fact. The teens are already in the woods. So I get frustrated with myself. So I decide to focus better on what I _should do_ instead of what I _want to do_. But before long (and certainly before I get ahead) I find those damn kids back in the woods.
Okay. This is really feeling like simple whining now, so I think that I am going to quit now. Need to work on being more constructive, or a simple 'bitch session' is all that I will have accomplished today.
Wish I knew how to do the whole LJ cut function so people wouldn't have to see this whole thing.
Sorry - but hey - it's my god-damn journal.
:P
